- Your VCR and your alarm clock still have not been setsince the last power outage.
- Your Civil War chess set has 2 Grants, no Lees, and StonewallJackson's a bottle cap.
- Every time you enter a move, the computer responds with "Error:unknown command"
- You're still trying to understand the rules for Solitaire.
- It's hard to rearrange the pieces when your opponent neverfalls for the old "Look, it's Elvis!" trick.
- You're late to the first match because you can't figure out howto set your digital watch.
- The chess board pattern makes you dizzy.
- When you take a piece, you spike it and do a celebration dance.
- Your Apple //e still beating you at tic-tac-toe.
- Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd beplayed by the same guy that plays "Ernest".
- Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" is flushing away the Tidy Bowl cleaner.
- The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.
You: Barely know how to turn on a computer - Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting your 4th grader.
- Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute.
You: criticized by your spouse for not being able to balance the checkbook. - In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your living room with a bag of chips and a weekend worth of videos.
- Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.
- Computer: Intel Inside.
You: Imbecile Inside. - Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff.
Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess